Constant reminders of the damage done by religion
“Please don’t ask me, expect me, to think about it.” Whenever a religion has succeeded in embedding this attitude in the minds of its followers, it has a better chance of enduring and thriving. But humanity is not better off because the refusal to think remains a common response to reality. How many people have done enough study and research to grasp our place in the Cosmos? To understand why evolution is true, and how it works? To know why vaccines play a vital role in combatting disease? To realize why ongoing horrendous suffering—ongoing for thousands of years—destroys the idea that a powerful god so loves the world?
But disaffection with religious nonsense is on the rise. People are snapping out of it, as surveys have shown: there has been a marked decline in the number of those who identify as Christian. And there has been a welcome output of books written by ex-devout folks—many of whom were even clergy—illustrating how Christian belief collapses. Those that come to mind especially: Seth Andrews, Tim Sledge, Valerie Tarico, Gretta Vosper, Marlene Winell, Jerry DeWitt, John Loftus, Dan Barker, Annie Laurie Gaylor, Charles Templeton, David Chumney, Kenneth Daniels, John Compere, Marion Kenneally, Candice R. M. Gorham, Carolyn Hyppolite, Drew Bekius, Cassie Fox, Tom Rastrelli.
I recently finished reading a new addition to this impressive list, Janice Selbie’s 2024 book, Divorcing Religion: A Memoir and Survival Handbook. Selbie was raised in a rigidly strict fundamentalist setting—and the contrast with my own religious upbringing is stunning. My mother was very devout, but she never pushed the fear-and-punishment aspect of her faith. One of her frequent admonishments was, “What are you doing to improve your mind?” My dad and I would watch TV, but she would go to another room to read history and biography. That eventually won me over. When I was a teenager she purchased the 12-volume Interpreter’s Bible, which was the product of liberal Protestant scholarship. I studied that a lot, so it was no big deal for me to give up virgin birth as a crucial doctrine.
Selbie’s description of her early years is truly depressing. There were multiple church services to attend every week, being in constant contact with God via prayer was essential, and the fear of ending up in hell for eternity was designed as a motivation for believing, behaving and obeying. “My worldview, as one utterly indoctrinated by Christianity, was rigid and authoritarian. The notion of ‘live and let live’ did not exist, in my home or my heart; there was only good or bad, with nothing in between” (p. 32, Kindle). She is precise in identifying the major crime of fundamentalism: “…it is a form of mental hijacking, robbing us of our autonomy. Like a mental parasite, fundamentalism feeds off of us and changes our behavior to ensure its survival” (p. 242, Kindle)
But her parent’s marriage was dysfunctional, which caused too much anguish, and chipped away at the faith they were supposed to champion. Her older siblings were the first to rebel; they
“…all stopped attending church around the age of 12. I vividly recall feigning illness one Sunday morning to stay home with them, with my eldest brother playing a forbidden song on the family hi-fi: Raise A Little Hell, by Canadian rock band Trooper… He did not play it quietly, either. My eyes grew wide and my pulse quickened with the heavy, driving beat. I loved the music but felt afraid of the feeling of rebellion rising in me. My parents’ deep sadness at my siblings’ rejection of Christianity was obvious. I hated the thought of adding to that pain, but the freedom of sleeping in and staying home unsupervised on Sunday mornings was intoxicating. For a brief time, I chose the latter, feeling ready to take a walk on the wild side” (p. 32, Kindle).
But Selbie stayed with the faith, and eventually married, but that union turned out to be dysfunctional as well—because of the misogyny that is an essential part of fundamentalism. Selbie provides a detailed description of her move away from Christianity, which included a detour through other cult-like beliefs. She eventually made the break, which caused considerable anguish:
“Never in a million years would I have believed that I could lose my faith. I sometimes cried uncontrollably, becoming overwhelmed by small things. I lost my appetite and became forgetful. I experienced throat tightness; headaches; and frequently heaved deep, mournful sighs. When my daughters asked if I was okay, I told them I was just tired. Now, I recognize all of these as signs of grief and mourning. The victim was my faith, and the murderer was reality” (p. 114, Kindle)
Another crisis arose when one of her daughters became ill. “Never did it cross my mind to wonder why, when we were being so obedient to His will, God allowed our newborn to become dangerously ill, why I was married to an unfeeling husband, or why poverty seemed unshakable for us. Christians are taught to expect suffering and to bear it well, for the sake of the Gospel.” (pp. 79-80, Kindle)
Once totally clear of Christianity, Selbie could review her experience with a touch of humor:
“Those who grow up in families with a parent who suffers from substance addiction are known as ACoA or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Since we share many of the characteristics of ACoA, I call those of us who grew up with parents addicted to religious ideology ACoRNs: Adult Children of Religious Nuts” (p. 112, Kindle).
It is heartening to know that Selbie went on to dedicate her professional life to helping those damaged by religion. Hence the subtitle for her book: A Memoir and Survival Handbook. That is, about forty percent of the book is devoted to practical advice on how to navigate a healthy exit from rigid, controlling religion—and other forms of indoctrination.
“Many of the clients I support around religious trauma syndrome are also coming to terms with losing their parents or other loved ones to the relatively new Q-Anon and Trump cults that have arisen over the past few years. Those raised in religious homes may be swayed by conspiracy theories or drawn down other cult-type rabbit holes more easily because they have already been primed to swap logic for magical thinking by way of belief in things supernatural and miraculous" (p. 206, Kindle).
The Survival Handbook includes seven modules, including Module One: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do; Module Three: The Separation Agreement: Healthy Boundaries; Module Five: Integrating Your Losses: Reframing and Rituals; Module Seven: Mind Control: Don’t let an Old Flame Burn You Twice. In each of the modules, Selbie includes many resources for finding help and support. These include books, YouTube channels, pod-casts, organizations to join.
Selbie was interviewed in 2021 by Seth Andrews (11:26 minutes), and this is well worth watching.
Many people who leave religion are content to walk away and kick the dust from their feet. But Janice Selbie is among those—such as can be found on the list included above—who have devoted considerable energy to helping others who are trying to break the religious chains holding them back. This book is an important resource for anyone who is engaged in the effort to reduce the damage done by religion.
David Madison was a pastor in the Methodist Church for nine years, and has a PhD in Biblical Studies from Boston University. He is the author of two books, Ten Tough Problems in Christian Thought and Belief: a Minister-Turned-Atheist Shows Why You Should Ditch the Faith, now being reissued in several volumes, the first of which is Guessing About God (2023) and Ten Things Christians Wish Jesus Hadn’t Taught: And Other Reasons to Question His Words (2021). The Spanish translation of this book is also now available.
His YouTube channel is here. At the invitation of John Loftus, he has written for the Debunking Christianity Blog since 2016.
The Cure-for-Christianity Library©, now with more than 500 titles, is here. A brief video explanation of the Library is here.
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